Well it's been an interesting week. Lots of mixed feelings. I wonder what you thought when you saw my birthday message. Maybe I seemed needy for messaging you at the first excuse I got, it literally wasn't even midnight yet where you are, but I really just wanted to let you know I was still thinking about you without ruining your actual birthday. I didn't want you to be thinking about me when you should be happy, so I figured I should just get it over with early. That way, you still had time to forget about it before your actual birthday, and you wouldn't have to wonder whether or not I was going to reach out. I realize that I made that choice in accordance with what I would have wanted, though. Considering the fact that you're avoidant and have probably gotten pretty good at avoiding the thought of me anyway, maybe it didn't matter. I think I handled it at well as I could have, though. Honestly, when you messaged me back, I was terrified to open it because a small part of me thought that you might tell me not to contact you anymore. A larger part of me was afraid that you were going to be cold and short and maybe just send a "Thanks." It was relieving when you were actually nice and sent me that video of your cat. It was relieving, but I knew I couldn't think too much about it, so I didn't ask any questions about how you were doing and said goodnight as soon as I could without being rude. Honestly, I felt shitty about the fact that it was the second time I was reaching out to you when you hadn't made any attempt to initiate conversation, and I probably wouldn't have done it at all if it hadn't been your birthday. You just shouldn't expect me to do it again, at least not for a few months. Not until I'm feeling much better than I am now.I watched your snap story last night and started crying because I had forgotten what your voice sounded like. It was rough because I think I finally admitted to myself that you might never reach out. If the state of the world doesn't improve in the next few months, I might not even ever have the chance to see you again. I might graduate school and move somewhere far away, and we might never talk again. You told me you wanted to be friends, but the truth of the matter is that it might not be possible, and even if it is, you might never allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to make it happen. And it also made me really sad to think about the fact that, a couple of years from now, I might not even care that you're not in my life anymore. I might think about you and feel close to nothing, the way I feel about my first ex now. And considering how much you mean to me and how amazing we were as friends, that's fucking tragic. But tragic shit happens every day, I guess. I started writing some lyrics about this feeling, though. It's probably going to a chorus for something.Might never see you againMight never feel you againMight forget your voiceI might not be your friendMight see you fall for someone elseAnd I might not give a fuckMight forget about how I caredMight forget about your loveMan, this Halloween sucks. I'm just sitting at home and crying. This is normally my favorite holiday, but I have no friends and nowhere to go around here. I didn't even really consider dressing up because what's the point? I keep thinking about the Halloweens we spent together, even before we started dating. That time you were the guy from "Dick in a Box" was so stupid but so funny. Very well-executed, too. I remember when we carved pumpkins together and put them out on my balcony. And I remember last Halloween when I dressed up as a sexy cat like the basic bitch I am, but it felt good because it was the first time I had genuinely felt hot in awhile. I remember we went to Andre's place and played drinking games, and someone dared me to give you a lap dance. I had no fucking idea what I was doing, but it was still a pretty good time anyway. I was also thinking about how we talked about getting two cats together - one orange and one black because you love orange cats and I love black ones - and giving them Halloween-themed names. I still want to do that when I get older, so maybe I'll do it without you. I went to Walmart earlier today and I looked for something to do tonight at home so I wouldn't feel so alone and unhappy - a movie, a craft, candy, decorations, pumpkins, anything - but nothing really appealed to me, so I just got groceries and went back home. I'm so fucking sad right now. This week is just the beginning of a bunch of memories coming back, and I'm not looking forward to it. The Thanksgiving break where I missed my flight, so we went to the football game against Oregon State and it was legitimately the most exciting game of the season because we won with like one fucking second on the clock. Or the time you came home with me for part of winter break and you met my parents. Or our fucking anniversary coming up in January. I wish I didn't have all of these good memories right now. I wish I could store them away for awhile so I could feel okay.I also slipped up a lot this week. I was fantasizing a lot about you coming back and telling me you realized your mistakes and wanted to try again. I actually started writing out a couple of scenarios where you saw me and told me that you messed up and wanted to try to fix everything that went wrong. I wrote about you promising that you were committed to being vulnerable and loving and willing to work out our issues. I wrote about you holding and kissing me again. I think in some way, writing it all out helped me stop obsessing over it, though, so maybe it wasn't all bad. I stalked your reddit account, too, and saw that you posted something for the first time in a long time. I honestly wasn't expecting to see anything, but there it was, a picture of your new wheel gone laid out in your backyard on the picnic table I spent a few hours sanding down and cleaning back in August. Seeing that picture of your backyard and the picnic table brought memories to my mind that I don't think I thought about since they happened. I thought about that time we just sat at the picnic table at night and looked up at the stars, speaking quietly like we might break the moment. I remember looking up into the sky and seeing so many stars that I felt like I was floating up into them. I remember thinking that night about how much I was going to treasure that beautiful moment with you. But despite my slip-ups, I've decided not to beat myself up about doing the things I'm "not supposed to do." Ultimately, beating yourself up about those things just makes you feel worse and doesn't make you any less likely to do them. I'm already beating myself up about being behind in my classes, and I really don't need to add caring about you to that list.The whole week hasn't been a complete bust, though. I finally restarted the whole process of outlining what kind of person I want to be in the future and the steps I need to take to get there. I broke it down really well into specific traits, skills, and accomplishments, and I started doing research to help me along the way to a couple of the goals. I think writing out my fantasies also helped with this in a way because I realized that a big part of the fantasy was being this super attractive, accomplished, confident, talented person who you were blown away by, and I took that image of myself and broke it down into its components. And I mean I broke it down - there's everything from "whiten teeth" to "optimize antidepressant dosage" to "join a performance-rights organization," and within each of those goals is like five or six baby steps to achieve them. And I've already gotten started on a couple of more straightforward goals, so I'm feeling pretty good about that. I kind of wish I had taken this semester off because I feel like this self-improvement shit is a full-time job, but whatever.I hope you're having a better Halloween than I am. (But I hope you're missing me too.)All my love,Haynah <3P.S. - I've been wondering about why I don't really care that you have three (or four?) guns, but the second I see someone with a gun on Tinder, I swipe left. Maybe because I know you're not stupid. You're not the type of gun owner to flaunt the fact that you have a weapon. Speak softly and carry a big stick and all that.P.P.S. - I thought I was going to be sad when we hit two months since the breakup this past Thursday, but I kind of forgot about it. I was too busy. I think I was more sad yesterday when I realized I forgot. I feel like I'm losing you one small piece at a time. via /r/BreakUps https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/jltlot/how_im_doing_9_weeks_postbreakup_%E3%83%84/?utm_source=ifttt
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