My grandma is alive. I love her. She’s incredibly overbearing. I know it’s because she loves me and she can get lonely, but y’know. Grandmas. She’s in her 80s, retired from nursing when I was born, had a stroke last year but handled it like a boss.I’m in my early/mid 20s and live with my mom, her patronising partner and their awful choir of birds. I have been diagnosed chronic depression and major anxiety since 2011. A lot of stress in recent years is due to how desperate I am to live alone. I crave independence, solitude, and quiet time without seven out of tune birds going off every time I enter a room. This dream is more distant than I’d like because I struggle to find work and pay board to my mom via government funding.My grandma lives in a small unit in the backyard of my dad’s house. Also living in that house is my older sister. Grandma told me that when she passes the unit will be mine, not my sisters. She sees me as the more responsible one. My sister was diagnosed with ADD as a child and can be absent minded and reckless with her money, also government funding. My grandma actually brings this up every time we speak when my sister is not there and I always rebut it because it makes me uncomfortable when the two of us are compared. It’s been a lifelong issue, and even as a kid I let her know how I felt about hearing her call my sister “disappointing”. I don’t think she realises the severity of my (or my sisters) mental health despite her being a nurse her whole working life. She seems to mistake quietness for maturity.So the unit will one day be mine. It’s tiny, but it’s MINE. Especially in recent times, being locked in a house with mom, her partner, their birds, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’d like to decorate the unit, what furniture of hers I’d keep and weather or not I’d get rid of the carpet in the living area so that the entire kitchen/living space was all linoleum “floorboards”. Watching YouTube tiny home makeovers. I wouldn’t technically be alone if I lived there as I’d still be spending a lot of time with my dad (which is fine he’s my bud) and my “board” would be a third of the bills split between the two of us and my sister) but it’s my own space, and my own bathroom (I always know if my mom or my stepfather have gone to the toilet before me as my stepfather does not check the toilet bowl after he does number two. I’m too afraid of him to say something, and mom doesn’t think it’s worth mentioning. Just one of his weird things. Like getting mad and walking out without his phone or wallet and not letting us know where he is or if he’s okay even though it’s been days since he contacted us and he knows damn well my mom won’t sleep or stop crying until she knows he’s okay). Anyway.I feel like an asshole because while I love my grandma and will be crushed when she passes, I spend a lot of time fantasising about how my life will hopefully change once she‘s gone. via /r/AmItheAsshole https://ift.tt/35gI1Nu
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