Should I move out?

Hi, this is my (27f) first post here. I´m having a really hard time with my parents, but not sure if I should move out. It´s going to be tough financially, I need to go back to school to become a teacher, which will be pretty low-paying off the bat. I only have about 20k saved, but I don´t think I can live like this anymore. I almost cried in a faculty meeting at work on Monday, I didn´t go home until 9 pm, and my dad and mom both found ways to verbally abuse me on my short run to go to sleep in my room. I´m working part-time and could lose my job if my state goes into a lockdown again.I moved home during covid (March 2020) and am living with my parents for the first time in years. It´s been about 9 months now. When I first came home, their fighting would give me anxiety attacks and I would have chest pains and beg them to stop. They said they were ¨just talking¨and that was normal and would only stop if I started grabbing at my heart and doubling over from the shooting pain. I gained about 40lbs from stress eating because of their CONSTANT fighting, the election, the pandemic, being briefly unemployed, and a sadistic, cruel ex-boyfriend who cheated on me and laughed when a homewrecker told me to kill myself, but I don´t really want to talk about him.I think I have a really high tolerance for abuse because of my dad. I´m the oldest child in the house, and I was always the example and the scapegoat. He would yell at me when I studied and yell at me when I didn´t study. He would tell me I wasn´t trying when I was, and when I was in college, he would scream at me while spit flew into my face. He told me he controlled my classes and my education and I didn´t have a say. He told me not to become a teacher over and over and over because "all teachers hate their lives and don´t make any money¨. My undergrad school had a really good program for teaching, but I stopped myself from even looking into it. It would have been done and paid for by now, but I wasn´t allowed. Everything I do is an uphill battle for no reason at all. It´s so confusing.I love to cook, but in my dad´s kitchen, I´m not allowed to get a drop of oil ANYWHERE. I splattered some oil on the stove when I first moved home, and he has never let me forget how disgusting and disrespectful I was toward the appliances he spent so much money on. He says I´m ungrateful and I don´t appreciate anything because I didn´t pay for the stove. He says I ruined the stove. All he had to do was wipe up a few drops of oil. And the olive oil bottle is also not allowed on the counter. I´m not allowed to keep a box of tea out. I´m not allowed to keep any spices out. Everything has to be put away like we live in some kind of IKEA store that doesn´t allow decorations or ANYTHING on the counters. If he´s in the kitchen, I´m not allowed to cook while listening to music or the radio. It has to be total silence unless he´s watching TV with my mom and they´re watching gory shows and gasping at people getting killed.This past weekend, he made me cry twice. He´s a HUGE Trump supporter and he kept gloating about how smart Trump is, how he was going to take care of us, and how he was going to win easily. I didn´t say anything. I was tired from months of fighting about Fox News and him taking ALL their anger towards Democrats out on me. It was like I represented all Democrats and needed to be beaten down. At first, during the election process, it was funny that my mom would sit between us and we would spar, but as Fox News got more aggressive, my Dad got more aggressive toward me. When Biden won, I told my parents I was watching videos of people celebrating online, and my dad WENT OFF on me for a long time. He said supporting BLM goes against everything they ever raised me to be, and told my mom I was calling her a racist in a mean way so that she wouldn´t listen to me try to explain what BLM stands for.I need to go back to school for more qualifications to teach, but I want to go to a school that will give me as much financial aid as possible. I think my friend might be able to help me, but my dad wants me to rush into an expensive program just so I don´t "waste time". He kept telling me I needed to do that over and over, but not offering to help me financially, and I was overwhelmed by everything. I am exhausted by the social justice and human rights violations happening in the USA and I know it´s hard to get a job right now. I´m so tired of fighting all the time.Yesterday on my way home from work, my mom called me and asked if I was hungry. She asked if I was coming home for dinner. I asked if we had any food, and she listed everything we had and went through the fridge and everything. But then she said she wouldn´t make me anything because she was "too busy". She´s retired and doesn´t leave the house at all. I cook for them ALL THE TIME. Some of those meals were microwaveable. She always complains about how much she hates her life, and I always have to take care of her emotions. She knows that I like asking her to get me a glass of water (she doesn´t even have to go downstairs or anything), but she gets annoyed with me when I do. She´s always too busy. So yesterday, I was dreading coming home because my dad made me cry so much about schooling and money over the weekend, and she calls and I thought she was going to do something nice for me. NOPE. And then she´s mad at me because I´m hurt. Today she yelled at me for being mad at her, and I have no idea what reaction she was hoping for. She kept saying she wasn´t angry with me, but she was being extremely passive-aggressive, and even though it was supposed to be an apology, she said, "you´re supposed to be an adult", and then I rolled my eyes and she said, "I thought you stopped rolling your eyes when you were a teenager", "stop being fresh with me", because I was obviously annoyed. It wasn´t an apology at all. She KNOWS I´m hurt and she KNOWS IT´S BECAUSE she never does anything for me, and she KNOWS that I feel like she doesn´t even want to be a mom because she´s always too busy, even to bring me a glass of water once a month. She ended her confrontation today with a passive aggressive, "oh, nevermind", when she clearly wanted to keep yelling at me and I was just supposed to sincerely apologize for being hurt by her lack of caring while she was nastily explaining that she didn't have time for me and it was my fault that she didn´t realize how affected I was by my dad constantly yelling at me about the stove.My house has a lot of space and is usually quiet in my room, and it´s nice not to pay rent. I get along well with my parents when I´m not living at home. I´ve never lived totally on my own before, though, and I don´t know how I´d find cool roommates. I´ve had bad experiences with roommates taking advantage of me. I don´t feel like I can breathe at home anymore though. I know I´ll probably be lonely if I leave, but I´m so tired of never knowing when I´ll get treated badly next, or how lazy I am today, or how irresponsible I am, etc. etc. I´m so worried about my finances. I don´t want to be living paycheck to paycheck and living off of beans (I´ve done that once before, abroad).If I don´t move out, I´m a lazy, irresponsible freeloader (even though I have a job and pay for my own insurance, all my bills, my car insurance, my food, etc.) who is a walking target to get yelled at any time. If I do move out, I´m pretty sure I´ll be an ungrateful, lazy, irresponsible young idiot who shunned her parents even though they were so generous. I don´t know what to do. I might need their help financially.I´m so scared that I´ll go back to school for teaching and then get a low-paying job and be poor and in debt and hate my life, like my dad always told me would happen. He´s pushing me to go into really expensive programs that I can´t pay for now, without offering to help me financially and without letting me try to get financial aid. Because I didn´t go into the sciences, I´m pretty sure he will always see me as a failure he cannot be proud of, someone to torture and make cry all the time. I am so disappointed in myself for gaining all this weight during quarantine, and I don´t know what to do. I hate it and I feel completely worthless.All I do is tiptoe around them. Is it worth it to have less space, but freedom? What if I´m lonely? It´s worth it to have a place and a home to look forward to, right? I really want to have my own kitchen and my own decorations. I´m not allowed to have any decorations, and neither is my mom. Nothing is allowed to touch the walls in our house.I´m just so tired. I don´t have any motivation to do anything anymore. I´m exhausted. I´m not myself. It took me months to get my mom to stop complaining to me about my dad and how he treats her in private. Sometimes she doesn´t even know that he made me cry, and she still expects me to take care of her when he´s mean to her, she just doesn´t go into detail anymore. via /r/narcissisticparents https://ift.tt/3eOnowu