tl;dr moved to a flyover state, no connections to the area or friends, things with the wife are strained, neighbor is a cute punk rock chick w/ an Amish background that's making me feel things I shouldn't, and I don't know how to handle it politely & discretely.Long story short, I got out the army, did the college thing, and me a girl. We married and eventually the wife didn't like the big, coastal city where we lived and wanted to move back home. Didn't want to raise kids there, was sick of the commute, the fake people, etc. Said basically "this is where I'm going, you're welcome to come or not."I worked remotely at the time doing application-admin stuff and had been fairly adventurous in previous lives, so I said "fuck it." I'd lived more remote places, and cheap housing was a plus. However flash forward 3 years and now I'm lonely, isolated, and generally unhappy. I get paid okay, remotely, but otherwise feel like a shell of the man I used to be.We're in a well off suburb outside of a state capital in a flyover state. I'm still locked into a job I hate, there aren't a lot of good ones compared to Boston or NYC or DC, and the social life and culture is lacking. The wife has a lot of friends and family connections, and they have been a useful social network, but I don't really have any friends of my own, or really any real connections to anyone. I still talk to people everyday, but they're timezones away. The only real (local) friend I made took a job in New England and works crazy hours, aka another pen pal.On top of that, the wife went down a few SJW rabbitholes over the last few years, and has also starting having issues with bad breakouts and facial hair. The main reason I moved here, The Girl, is now essentially a r/tumblerinaction stereotype. Not trying to turn this into a political debate, but it's grinding. We've gone to counselling a few times, but there are some deep seated issues she needs to work through. I'm willing to help, and I wouldn't ask her to do anything I wouldn't do myself, like I already go to the gym and diet, but I can't make her change. So I'm in a town that does nothing for me with a wife that's starting to do nothing for me. All told, life isn't bad by any stretch, I don't suffer for anything material, but I'm lacking fulfillment in pretty much all categories.Cue the headine: started hanging out w/ one of my neighbors in the condo, she lives on the same floor but down the hall a bit. When I first met her I was immediately attracted to her, but assumed she was like 23-24 and wasn't keen on being creeped on by her neighbor, so kept my distance. Plus, you know, married, busy job, etc. She was super chatty at building events (Xmas party), though, but generally kept to herself and wasn't around much. In fact I actually wondered, after first COVID hit, if she'd gotten sick or died, literally hadn't seen her in ~2-3 months.There was a plumbing issue one day and that forced us out of the condos, and we ended up chatting in the hall for a while. She mentioned she's unemployed (was a geologist by training but a surveyor by trade) and kinda struggling being stuck inside. I mentioned I was feeling the same, and got to chatting about other topics. I was wearing a Misfits tshirt and she swung open her jacket to show her Rancid shirt, and offered to show me all of the crazy punk rock merch she'd acquired over the past decade. Her condo was super cool, she'd done all of the decorating herself via thrifting & DIY, and I was totally blown away. Super sharp, turns out she's actually 30, and the kicker was that her family was legit Amish, not the Old Order type, but still deep in the Amish life. She confided that she had to rebel and get away from her family and kinda fell into the punk-goth thing and ran with it. They had a colonly about 40 minutes away, give or take, and went back to see her sisters a couple times a month but otherwise was no longer "part of two worlds, just this one."She was unemployed and COVID was rough on her, and I was already remote and isolated, so I suggested that we should get a coffee or beer once a week to get out of the house, blow off steam, etc. Not a date, not trying to be a sugar daddy, but once a week I'm cool paying for a friend's cuppa or $5 beer or something, "hit me back when you have a job." We're walking distance to a few places, so it's a low effort, chill thing, just meet up and short walk to the S-bux or Wild Wings, etc.After hanging out, learned some other deets, personal stuff, like she's a "demisexual" (which I didn't know was a thing, it's asexual with caveats), and never really had a boyfriend longer than 6 months. She implied she's still a virgin, and almost came to tears talking about how she thinks she won't find anyone. But very plugged into the local punk scene, like gutter crusty punks, but she has a decent condo (despite punk) and lots of (mostly male) friends due to the demisexual thing.. Still pretty religious, too, which I find hard to reconcile with the NOFX albums on her walls lol, but she's trying to get away from her family's programming. Not the weirdest person I've met but she's an odd bird.Been going on coffee and occasional beers for about ~2 months now and I'm falling for her, hard. We have good chemistry, at least it feels like it, and the conversations and topics are varied and entertaining, mostly PG or R but sometimes a little more grownup. There is a natural flow, even if there are some incongruities in other things, like religion or social expectations.For days after, she's all I can think about.Outside of the coffee she's pretty sparse though, doesn't leave her house much, tries to avoid everyone in the building (and people in general) by only going out at night, not much of a texter. I feel like I'm 13 again, waiting to see if a girl I like is going to get on AIM and message me.It's totally clear that some, or all, of this is in my head. I think a spark or two of the chemistry is real but I think it's being amplified by my general dissatisfaction with life, job, wife, etc. Even if it is totally, 100% on the real, what the fuck am I going to do with a kind-of-asexual 30-year-old Amish girl?. Things ain't good w/ the wife and I may leave anyway if things don't improve, but chasing after this seems foolish. But thinking about it makes me feel alive.So then wtf do I do? How do I discretely dial it down with neighbor girl but not make it awkward as fuck that I'm ghosting her? I have to walk by her door to get to the elevator every time I want to leave the condo. Likewise, is there anyway to tell her what I'm feeling without making it creepy or awkward as hell? Do I just suck it up and bury those feelings, and keep the occasional coffee thing short and friendly-ish?tl;dr moved to a flyover state, no connections to the area or friends, things with the wife are strained, neighbor is a cute punk rock chick w/ an Amish background that's making me feel things I shouldn't, and I don't know how to handle it politely & discretely. via /r/relationship_advice https://ift.tt/3pkyFt4
No comments:
Post a Comment