Just really feeling the weight

I have been a stepmom for the last 4.5 years with a 9 month separation in that time period. I am 27 and don't have any kids of my own. I met the boys when the oldest had just turned 4 and the youngest was 9 months old. They are now 5 and 8.BM is very HC. In the years we have been together she has tried to hit me with her car, get me fired from my job, fight me while she was 9 months pregnant you name it I've been there. She has 4 boys of her own between three different men and her latest has 3 of his own. One of her kids they have together. She met him, got engaged three months later, and had a baby 6 months after they met. He is currently getting a divorce. 7 kids between them.Little man that's 8 is a sweet boy. He's extremely smart and creative. I love him as if he were my own. He has been diagnosed with ODD and ADD and on meds for the last three years. We were pretty against it since he was only 5 when they started him but seeing the difference realized it was necessary for school and such. She just recently put him on an antidepressant that he doesn't need and there's nothing we can do about it.She neglects him. She lets him watch scary movies. She sticks him in front a game or a tv all day. She parents when she has "the energy."Long story short, I can't get him to go upstairs in broad daylight. I can't get him to stop wetting the bed because she puts him in pull ups and "picks her battles", he has outbursts because he doesn't get talked through his emotions. He is confused about his family dynamic because she has told him that I'm not part of him or his family because we aren't married. I pick him up last weekend and she tells me he has a stack of homework in his bag because he hasn't been bringing his homework home. (How do you not check his bag or have ongoing dialogue with his teacher when he has behavioral issues?) She has all brand new BIG Halloween decorations but little man tells me he doesn't have any pants that fit him at his mom's house.She's a piece of shit. She is literally a garbage human and then she acts like she is the mom of the year. She is giving her kid complexes and projecting her own mental health issues on him. She chose her shitty life and makes the boys pay for it. I just hate her.I could sit here and try to explain why all these things suck and what I've done to try to be there for the kids or engage or disengage or whatever the fuck explanation anyone needs but I can't. Because I'm just tired.I'm tired of explaining myself. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of wondering if it's me. I'm tired of trying so hard to give her the benefit of a doubt. I'm tired of always being the bigger person and keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired of all of it.She just fucking sucks and being a step mom is hard. I'm trying my best. I'm also sad of feeling like there isn't a middle ground and that it's just going to be fighting the chaos forever.I just needed to get it out so if you made it this far thanks for reading. via /r/Stepmom https://ift.tt/3jYeT2M